At 5:37pm on April 27, 2024 I married the most incredible woman. She has brought a deeper meaning and purpose to my life, and by all metrics changed it for the better.
Sacrifice
My wife and I are taking a brand new name built from the letters of our own. The new name borrows the "B" and the meaning from my name (Buss), and the other letters from her name (Fluor-Scacchi) – introducing Daria and Steven Bacio.
Our new name means "kiss" in Italian, just as my old name means "kiss" in Middle English. Our largest shared heritage is Italian, so it felt fitting to go with an Italian translation.
I have to admit that changing my name has given me some anxiety! But creating a new family name from pieces of our old names is our first bit of shared sacrifice to build a shared meaning and a shared life together. We're intentionally leaving behind our identities as individuals and creating new ones as a family.
Sacrifice in marriage doesn't just mean giving something up, it means creating something new and better through selflessness and hard work. There will be many more sacrifices from both of us as we tend to our new life together, and we will grow stronger through them.
Commitment
And because in the darkness you will reach out a hand,
not knowing for certain if someone else is even there.
And your hands will meet,
and then neither of you will ever need to be alone again.—Neil Gaiman
I'm not much of a traditionalist, but I do take the traditional western vows literally: "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part." In marriage, I am exiting my life as an individual with no attachments or responsibilities, and entering a new life as part of a larger whole, with duties that extend beyond myself.
Though I will do my best, I know I will often fail to do and be what's needed. She will do her best but I know she, too, will sometimes fail. We are all imperfect beings and it is guaranteed that we will, someday, face an obstacle that nearly breaks us.
But in marriage, there is no way out but through. Burn the ships!
Marriage is work. It's a joint effort to build a home full of love, become good parents, and instill virtues and ethics in our children. To plan our futures, care for each other in good times and bad, and ultimately, for the (un)lucky one, to bury the other.
I see marriage as a commitment to stand by each other until the end. Through ups and downs the constant will be our commitment to each other.
Practice
My wife and I set aside an hour on the third Sunday of every month for a check-in. It is scheduled so we know to prepare, clear our calendars, and get into the right mindset to discuss everything important. These conversations are to honestly take stock of how we're doing individually, how we're doing as a couple, and to act as a safe and judgment-free space where we can bring up anything that has been on our minds.
I'm not sure I can properly express how important this has been for us, and how important I think it is for any successful partnership and marriage.
I have struggled with being emotionally open my entire life. In all of my past relationships I avoided talking about difficult things, and instead I suppressed negative feelings and just opted to bear them silently. This is how you kill a relationship. I've spent about six years in therapy since my previous big relationship fell apart (yes, you should go to therapy, too), and have learned a lot of communication skills, but learning a skill and changing a behavior are different.
These regular check-ins provide me with an opportunity to talk honestly and openly about what I'm feeling, what I need help with, and what's bothering me. And they give me an opportunity to reflect on what I've done in the past month and apologize for things that were weighing on me. A delightful surprise from our first year of check-ins is that the things I felt lots of guilt about were not even things my fiancée remembered. I burdened myself with things that simply didn't matter.
But it's not just about me – I also learn what she needs and what's on her mind. There's no guessing, there's no misread signals; there's only open dialogue and plainly stated emotions. It's amazing.
You should have these check ins. And you should start having them when things are great, but it's OK to start them when they're not. The practice of being vulnerable, seeking feedback, giving feedback, and listening to your partner will pay off. Remember: your check-in is a judgment free zone. Your partner needs to feel safe being vulnerable, and you need to feel the same.
Oblivion
The album "A Crow Looked at Me" by Mount Eerie had a surprisingly profound effect on my thoughts about marriage. I haven't been able to listen to it without breaking down in tears. In fact, I've never actually managed to make it all the way through the album–his grief is too agonizing. I have to turn it off by the third or fourth track.
That may sound hyperbolic or even pretentious, but… just go to a private space, put on some good headphones, close your eyes, and listen to it.
The artist, Phil Elverum, experienced true love. Not the Disney "true love", but the fragile and mortal true love. He lived the joy and the pain that I am signing up for, eyes wide open.
It feels a little silly to say this album which I haven't even been able to finish informed my view of marriage, but it's true. It helped me think about marriage not just in terms of what it means as a beginning, but also what it means for the end. It was shock therapy that woke me up to the gravity of the commitment.
Vows
These are the vows I gave to my new wife:
When I proposed to you I said: "I love traveling the world with you, and I want to keep doing it. I want to share in your joys and your struggles. And you in mine. I want to build a home filled with love and laughter. Will you marry me and build this life together?"
We have already built a foundation of honesty, vulnerability, support, and complete trust. We lean in to the hard conversations, and are not afraid to talk about anything. And you don't laugh at me when I get happy tears.
I know it's a cliché to say you have made me a better man, but that doesn't make it untrue! You push me to hold true to my values, engage in spirited debate on sensitive and complicated issues, help orient my moral compass, and you help me reach deep and process my emotions. I'm truly a better person with you in my life.
Today I promise you, and everyone here, that I will do right by you. That I will respect and honor you. That, though I will sometimes fail at my responsibilities, I will always try my best. I vow to support you and build you up, never tear you down. I promise to never be petty or small-minded. I will turn to you in crisis and struggle, and never turn away. I will always fight for you. I will be a loyal and faithful husband who always puts our family first.
Our vows, "for better, for worse," are not trite sentiments. Through every trial, we will emerge stronger. I will be by your side through it all. "In sickness and in health" is not a throwaway line about giving you soup when you're ill. These vows are a promise that your burdens are my burdens. I will defend you, I will care for you as I do myself, I will argue with idiot doctors, and I will fight for you no matter the cost. My vows are a commitment to you, to my family, to your family, to our friends, that I will do whatever needs to be done to ensure we are safe, healthy, and happy.
We are not two ships passing in the night. We are not simply friends, or lovers, or even just partners. We are a new singular experience of complete trust; as I rely on my heart to beat I will rely on you. And as you rely on yours, you can rely on me. All this I promise you, until death do us part.
Future
Marriage is a promise to walk with each other into our final days. It's a vow to start and end each day together. A vow to stand by each other through it all. A vow that we are an unbreakable team.
Marriage isn't simply the next step on the relationship ladder. It is a conscious commitment that your partner can rely on you, and knowing beyond any doubt that you can rely on them.
Marriage takes work, absolutely. But I believe in working hard at work worth doing.
I love you, Daria, and I can't wait to see what we build together!